I took part in a panel discussion for a class on human sexuality last week. This professor has specifically asked for LGB students, since this was a beginning class (although it is my personal opinion that all parts of the LGBTQA umbrella should reference each other). I was asked to speak on it, but hesitated. I did not identify within those three letters. I have, and will probably always, identify as queer. When I am tired and don’t feel like explaining how far that identity goes (because it also encompasses my gender, sexual expression, gender expression, etc.), I say I am pansexual. I was the go-ahead to sit on the panel, which I did. I identified as pansexual.
Somehow, in someway, that felt wrong.
I can’t really explain it. I do a lot of panels and talk about my identities a lot. It is not uncommon for me. When I said those words (although I say I am pansexual much of the time), it felt very wrong and untruthful of me. It could be because I had chosen to leave off my queer identity. It could be because I intentionally left off a part of myself that I normally am very proud of.
Which of course, then, got me thinking about the ways I leave off other identities based on the people with whom I interact. I do not present the same face to every single person. The most extreme example I can think of in which I am completely NOT myself is for my parents. They know I am in a relationship with a woman. They have, in their own way, accepted it. What they don’t know is the ways I struggle with my gender (a struggle that keeps popping up with more intenseness daily), the ways I am an activist, the ways I have built my community around me. These are all parts of a queer identity that I do not share with them.
I used to think that leaving off parts of myself was wholly wrong because then I would not feel wholly right. I know many people who still feel that way. Who say that to not be completely truthful about every single part of you is harmful and wrong. I have realized that at least for me, it is easier. It’s easier to deal with my parents and my co-workers when they don’t have to know everything about me.
Both sides have their rights and both sides have their wrongs.
If you have read this (and I am hoping that you have), I challenge you to write your own post, or journal your own thoughts on this. How your identities intersect and what parts you present to who. Are you whole all the time?
