Testimonial #5

I'm Karen.  I'm twenty-one, a senior in Sociology and Human Development, have a difficult time with getting through the day without coffee, and I like girls.  Among other things.

My disclaimer is this: I never had the lightbulb go off in my head, nor did I insist on playing the 'husband' in games of house as a kid, or any of the things we come to depend on to validate a person's sexuality.  I came to know that I liked girls after falling in love with one - that is, the realization came as slowly and intensely as falling for someone does.  I hadn't expected it to happen, and while it was me that instigated the whole thing, I had to have my metaphorical hand held through most of it.  I was scared sh*tless, but not just because I was with a girl.  Falling in love is hard regardless of how and why you do it - the feelings might be effortless but the way you deal with them certainly is not.  You can't control who you fall in love with, but you certainly can controlhow.  

That is, as young people, we need the freedom to navigate the immensely complex world of dating and love and all of the petty things you often find tangled up with them without having to simultaneously defend our feelings, our actions, and our happiness.  It's hard enough without that, right?

My story: It happened, in my opinion, in a frighteningly fateful way; my parents' visit to see me in Copenhagen seven months into a study year abroad was smite by none other than an Icelandic volcano and massive flight cancellations.  Wallowing in my own misery, I went out with a group of friends to distract myself from disappointment, eventually finding myself walking to another bar with relative strangers, a group of Danish students I had run into outside of another club.  In the group was her, who I set eyes on once and felt an entirely unfamiliar sensation of debilitating nervousness and overwhelming need to know her simultaneously.  In an uncharacteristic burst of confidence, I set in motion the relationship that would, over the span of five confusing, unrelenting, exhilarating and ultimately life-altering months change who I was.  It destroyed my sense of stability and confidence in where my life was going - because, I suppose, being in a same-sex relationship does change a few things - but forced me to conquer my personal demons I had been avoiding, and learn how to love someone with that kind of intensity.  So, eight months after the forced end of a whirlwind romance, confusion, self-loathing and subsequent acceptance, and plenty of tears, here I am.

So, I guess I came out late; I was twenty when I came to terms with my affections for women (recognition of old and new emotions) and twenty-one when I told everyone about them.  I did most of my coming out within the span of just a few weeks (time was of the essence, apparently?).  One week, no one besides myself and a few friends overseas knew, and the next, you could have surmised my orientation after a single glance at my Facebook profile.  For me, there was no reason nor any benefit to slowly coming out of the closet.  Recognizing who I was and what I wanted meant letting everyone else know who I was and what I wanted - for me, they went hand in hand.  While I knew I couldn't spell out anything for anyone (as I never set a "gay" standard, but rather shared my story of love found and lost with another woman... which tends to speak for itself) I knew that the more open and honest I was about myself, the more open and honest I would be with myself.  I see my coming out as not a sudden shedding of light on what I knew all along, but instead a drawing back of the curtains on an already open window to begin to see that it was okay - and often best - to pursue what it was I wanted and was attracted to, regardless of how that might change perception of who and what I was.  If I were honest and sincere about what I wanted, then I would eventually find myself around people who were okay with that.  Which I have, in a sense, and will continue to.  After all, we are a work in progress.

What I do know is that having a core group of like-minded people on campus - like those you'll find in LGBTQ coalition - that will openly tackle the issues of community and comfort between queer culture and 'hetero-normative' culture in safe, fairly judgment free space was immeasurably important.  Since ASU is a sprawling metropolis of youth and innovation, it comes as no surprise that students in LGBTQ Coalition are as unique and diverse in their own right as the whole of the student body.  Without this new group of students in which I've found wonderful friends, both gay and straight, I would have had a much more isolating and painful experience in coming out to myself.  The sheer size of the University provides the anonymity a lot of us need to come to terms, on our own terms, with who we are and what we will become.  Couple that with a safe-space like a queer student organization, and you'd be amazed what you can discover about yourself, your friends, and your community. 

After playing with every gay cliché and stereotype you could possibly fathom - embracing some and rejecting others - I have begun settling in to where I am in the scheme of things, which is stable in my recognition that willingness to adapt and coping with the stress of uncertainty is paramount.  The most challenging part of my transition has been and always will be staying centered and balanced - and confident enough - to be okay with not always knowing what I'll want.  Circumstance changes who we are, and in turn, what we need.  For eyes looking in on the queer community, it's easy to cast us all under the same light.  What we have to do as individuals - queer, human, students, Americans... what have you - is knowing that just because you have something in common with another queer person doesn't mean you need to have everything in common with them.  Maintaining a sense of individuality while not being afraid of being who you are in the fear it may fall either inside or outside of stereotype is part of learning to be an adult.  Funny how college teaches you that.

There are so many things we learn as young adults.  Learning how to be in a minority is, sometimes, one of them.  And, although queer is one minority, so is being a Star Trek fan, having curly hair, knowing how to juggle, enjoying the music of Ke$ha (you know who you are)... we are unique in lots of ways.  Important part is finding some people to be weird with you.

Testimonial #3 - Part of the Process

I am a twenty-year-old Biology major at ASU, and if you can't already tell from the lack of a “namely” introduction, I am still in the coming-out process. I'm actually relatively new to the LGBTQ community, having only realized my attraction for girls just last year. But let's step back a few years....

In high school, I was that one girl who everyone would describe as quiet, studious, the “good girl.” That anyone could be attracted to someone of the same sex was completely unheard of in my book, but that wasn't because I discriminated against it or anything. Instead, I had never before then to my knowledge been truly exposed to someone who was gay or to an openly gay-friendly community, so the thought that I or anyone I knew could be didn't once cross my mind. I went to an all-girls' Catholic high school, ironically enough, and even had a boyfriend in college. However, I was never really interested in all the guys that every other girl was into. Even back in middle school, I can remember all the girls being completely lovestruck with that one “hottie” in class; I never took a second look at him (though that's not to say I didn't have crushes here and there). I always felt like my crushes were always “different” from those of the other girls. I couldn't explain why, and never tried to.

When I entered college, things were a bit different. I had “crushes” on guys, but they never lasted long. I remember becoming so frustrated because my crushes would come and go so quickly- sometimes within a week, and sometimes within a few minutes. “Why do I not like any guys?” I remember asking to myself, and this was still before my first realized attraction to a girl.

It wasn't until my second year of college that I was exposed to a bit of the queer community. One of the friends who I was really close to came out to me. By this time, she and I were as close as friends could be, and you could always count on us to be spending time with eachother every other day. In fact, I felt more close to her than I had to most other friends I ever had. Again, it felt like a different type of closeness to me, but I never talked with anyone about it. It wasn't a concern; My thoughts were kept to myself; So I never really put it together that I was attracted to her. However, when she did finally came out to me it was a sudden realization and a huge connection. THAT's what I was feeling. I liked her!

The next few weeks were filled with tons of confusion. I talked with absolutely nobody about my newly realized feelings because it had so many implications and brought on so many new questions. “Do I really like her?” was one of them. “Yes” was the obvious answer. “So what does this mean about me? Does it mean I'm into girls? Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I going through a stage?” I didn't know who I could talk to because I knew of no one but her who had any familiarity with the subject. I went back and forth with yes and no questions for months after that first realization.

I was scared out of my mind at first, but after time went on I started to become more comfortable with the thought of being attracted to girls. As time went on I also had this new idea to play with, and I really started to realize that yes, I was definitely attracted to girls. Over a year went by and I was still having so many doubts. However, the more time went on, the more I realized that my attraction to girls wasn't something I'd be able to push away, ignore, or dismiss. It was real, and it was probably the reason that I hadn't really been attracted to any guy in college.

The process of coming out is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Coming out to myself is still a great struggle. However, when I started coming out to others and was welcomed by practially everyone with mostly open-minded acceptance (and lots of surprise by the friends and family who had known me before college), that helped me to become more comfortable with the concept that I might be a gay girl. I've been able to talk with my dad about it, and the day after I told her I might like girls, my sister welcomed me with open arms by presenting me with a rainbow necklace. I'm still very hesitant with talking to my mom because she is definitely still hoping it's a phase, but I know that ultimately she'll accept me.

Overall, coming out to others has been a pretty smooth process. Most people I've met have been very accepting, even nonchalant about it, which I feel amazingly grateful about. It's more of a rocky process for me because I am still trying to figure out who I am. However, I know that whether or not I am bisexual or gay (or somewhere within that realm), I know things will be good. I have a wonderful support among family, friends, and my neighborhood community, and even more, I have a great acceptance for who I am as an individual. Regardless of whether or not I am interested to people of the same gender, I still love to play the piano, I still love to have those three wonderful minutes of an Argentine tango dance, and I still will never be able to eat a cucumber slice. I'm still me.

Testimonial #2 - Coming Out

My name is Abie Feuerstein. I’m five-feet short, and am both very Jewish and very much a nerd. From the time I was in 5^th grade I told myself that if I ever was one of those homosexuals that I would never let the world know. I would get married, have kids and be “normal”. Now I sit here in my college dorm room, in the midst of my third year of college as a psychology and sociology student reflecting back on how much my life has changed.

 I’ve been through the ups and the downs…coming out, running back to the security of the closet, and finally taking the step out and becoming me.  Coming out in college was an experience that completely blindsided me. Throughout high school, I was the token straight ally at a gay youth organization called 1n10. I knew that I was attracted to girls, but there was too much fear and distrust to let that wall down at that time. Not to mention, all of my friends there thought I was straight. It was a very confusing time. Looking back, 1n10 was one of the best memories that I have in my life. Not only was it an organization that provided support and friendship, but it was also the first time in my life that I had exposure to others who were okay with being themselves. I envied them, and their courage.

Graduation, summer, and then college. I. Was. Pumped. I couldn’t wait to live in the dorms and live the “college experience” that everyone talks about. I would have never have thought that when moving in to Barrett Hall Best C floor 3 that my life was about to change. My best friend that year (and still today) was my roommate, Chelsea. Although initially not randomly assigned to live together, fate definitely played its’ hand over the first few months. If it wasn’t for Chelsea I can honestly say that I would still be in the closet today. She was the first person that I could be me around. She is gay, has a girlfriend, and that year was a huge growing process for us both in becoming more comfortable in our own shoes. We watched the L word, discussed how attractive the girls in South of Nowhere were, and listened far too much to Uh Huh Her. My life got 10x gayer. I was happy.

By the end of my freshman year I was happy with myself and happy with my New Year’s resolution, which was to come out to all my close friends and family. My 5^th grade bible thumping self would have been shocked. Over the course of the next year I came out to everyone that meant something to me in my life, including my parents. And, as a disclaimer, my parents are crazy.

To make it short, I told my Dad first when I was moving back into the dorms my sophomore year. His first response was, “oh you know, there was this one time when I was in college…” clearly I stopped him before any incriminating details could seep into my pure little brain. I waited six more months before telling my mom (although she is still not aware that I told them at different times…shh, don’t say anything!). It was Thanksgiving. We were driving and I thought it was an opportune moment to tell her that I liked girls. You know, while driving in a moving vehicle without much tuck n’ roll practice. I’m quite the genius. As the cliché story goes, I told my mom and her reaction was calm yet discerning.  She knew I had gone to 1n10 for a long time (I had stopped going by this time), but she (just like the rest of the world) was convinced that I was a straight ally because that is what I constantly told her. She was disappointed that I lied to her for so long, but overall took it really well. She then proceeded to ask me exceedingly personal questions about my sex life because…well…that’s what crazy mothers do apparently.

So, here I am…now in my third year at Arizona State, living a far gayer life than I ever thought imaginable. And, I’m loving every second of it. Currently, I am the vice-president of an all-inclusive women’s social sorority, Gamma Rho Lambda, that doesn’t discriminate against sexual or gender identity. These girls have not only become my sorority sisters, but they’ve become my family. Because of them, my confidence in my identity has been solidified. I honestly couldn’t fathom living any other way. I am so thankful for my experiences in college because all of the twists and the turns and the ups and the downs brought me to this moment, right here.

Thus far, college has been the best, most eye-opening, and life-changing experience of my life. Through these past three years not only was I able to break down my own wall and become comfortable with myself, but I was able to share who I was with every single person that I cared about. It’s the only time I’ve ever 100% fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution. This college adventure has been a whirlwind of emotions as I’ve come to discover who I am and who I will become, and I look forward to continuing the journey.