My name is Abie Feuerstein. I’m five-feet short, and am both very Jewish and very much a nerd. From the time I was in 5th grade I told myself that if I ever was one of those homosexuals that I would never let the world know. I would get married, have kids and be “normal”. Now I sit here in my college dorm room, in the midst of my third year of college as a psychology and sociology student reflecting back on how much my life has changed.
I’ve been through the ups and the downs…coming out, running back to the security of the closet, and finally taking the step out and becoming me. Coming out in college was an experience that completely blindsided me. Throughout high school, I was the token straight ally at a gay youth organization called 1n10. I knew that I was attracted to girls, but there was too much fear and distrust to let that wall down at that time. Not to mention, all of my friends there thought I was straight. It was a very confusing time. Looking back, 1n10 was one of the best memories that I have in my life. Not only was it an organization that provided support and friendship, but it was also the first time in my life that I had exposure to others who were okay with being themselves. I envied them, and their courage.
Graduation, summer, and then college. I. Was. Pumped. I couldn’t wait to live in the dorms and live the “college experience” that everyone talks about. I would have never have thought that when moving in to Barrett Hall Best C floor 3 that my life was about to change. My best friend that year (and still today) was my roommate, Chelsea. Although initially not randomly assigned to live together, fate definitely played its’ hand over the first few months. If it wasn’t for Chelsea I can honestly say that I would still be in the closet today. She was the first person that I could be me around. She is gay, has a girlfriend, and that year was a huge growing process for us both in becoming more comfortable in our own shoes. We watched the L word, discussed how attractive the girls in South of Nowhere were, and listened far too much to Uh Huh Her. My life got 10x gayer. I was happy.
By the end of my freshman year I was happy with myself and happy with my New Year’s resolution, which was to come out to all my close friends and family. My 5th grade bible thumping self would have been shocked. Over the course of the next year I came out to everyone that meant something to me in my life, including my parents. And, as a disclaimer, my parents are crazy.
To make it short, I told my Dad first when I was moving back into the dorms my sophomore year. His first response was, “oh you know, there was this one time when I was in college…” clearly I stopped him before any incriminating details could seep into my pure little brain. I waited six more months before telling my mom (although she is still not aware that I told them at different times…shh, don’t say anything!). It was Thanksgiving. We were driving and I thought it was an opportune moment to tell her that I liked girls. You know, while driving in a moving vehicle without much tuck n’ roll practice. I’m quite the genius. As the cliché story goes, I told my mom and her reaction was calm yet discerning. She knew I had gone to 1n10 for a long time (I had stopped going by this time), but she (just like the rest of the world) was convinced that I was a straight ally because that is what I constantly told her. She was disappointed that I lied to her for so long, but overall took it really well. She then proceeded to ask me exceedingly personal questions about my sex life because…well…that’s what crazy mothers do apparently.
So, here I am…now in my third year at Arizona State, living a far gayer life than I ever thought imaginable. And, I’m loving every second of it. Currently, I am the vice-president of an all-inclusive women’s social sorority, Gamma Rho Lambda, that doesn’t discriminate against sexual or gender identity. These girls have not only become my sorority sisters, but they’ve become my family. Because of them, my confidence in my identity has been solidified. I honestly couldn’t fathom living any other way. I am so thankful for my experiences in college because all of the twists and the turns and the ups and the downs brought me to this moment, right here.
Thus far, college has been the best, most eye-opening, and life-changing experience of my life. Through these past three years not only was I able to break down my own wall and become comfortable with myself, but I was able to share who I was with every single person that I cared about. It’s the only time I’ve ever 100% fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution. This college adventure has been a whirlwind of emotions as I’ve come to discover who I am and who I will become, and I look forward to continuing the journey.
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