I am a twenty-year-old Biology major at ASU, and if you can't already tell from the lack of a “namely” introduction, I am still in the coming-out process. I'm actually relatively new to the LGBTQ community, having only realized my attraction for girls just last year. But let's step back a few years....
In high school, I was that one girl who everyone would describe as quiet, studious, the “good girl.” That anyone could be attracted to someone of the same sex was completely unheard of in my book, but that wasn't because I discriminated against it or anything. Instead, I had never before then to my knowledge been truly exposed to someone who was gay or to an openly gay-friendly community, so the thought that I or anyone I knew could be didn't once cross my mind. I went to an all-girls' Catholic high school, ironically enough, and even had a boyfriend in college. However, I was never really interested in all the guys that every other girl was into. Even back in middle school, I can remember all the girls being completely lovestruck with that one “hottie” in class; I never took a second look at him (though that's not to say I didn't have crushes here and there). I always felt like my crushes were always “different” from those of the other girls. I couldn't explain why, and never tried to.
When I entered college, things were a bit different. I had “crushes” on guys, but they never lasted long. I remember becoming so frustrated because my crushes would come and go so quickly- sometimes within a week, and sometimes within a few minutes. “Why do I not like any guys?” I remember asking to myself, and this was still before my first realized attraction to a girl.
It wasn't until my second year of college that I was exposed to a bit of the queer community. One of the friends who I was really close to came out to me. By this time, she and I were as close as friends could be, and you could always count on us to be spending time with eachother every other day. In fact, I felt more close to her than I had to most other friends I ever had. Again, it felt like a different type of closeness to me, but I never talked with anyone about it. It wasn't a concern; My thoughts were kept to myself; So I never really put it together that I was attracted to her. However, when she did finally came out to me it was a sudden realization and a huge connection. THAT's what I was feeling. I liked her!
The next few weeks were filled with tons of confusion. I talked with absolutely nobody about my newly realized feelings because it had so many implications and brought on so many new questions. “Do I really like her?” was one of them. “Yes” was the obvious answer. “So what does this mean about me? Does it mean I'm into girls? Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I going through a stage?” I didn't know who I could talk to because I knew of no one but her who had any familiarity with the subject. I went back and forth with yes and no questions for months after that first realization.
I was scared out of my mind at first, but after time went on I started to become more comfortable with the thought of being attracted to girls. As time went on I also had this new idea to play with, and I really started to realize that yes, I was definitely attracted to girls. Over a year went by and I was still having so many doubts. However, the more time went on, the more I realized that my attraction to girls wasn't something I'd be able to push away, ignore, or dismiss. It was real, and it was probably the reason that I hadn't really been attracted to any guy in college.
The process of coming out is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Coming out to myself is still a great struggle. However, when I started coming out to others and was welcomed by practially everyone with mostly open-minded acceptance (and lots of surprise by the friends and family who had known me before college), that helped me to become more comfortable with the concept that I might be a gay girl. I've been able to talk with my dad about it, and the day after I told her I might like girls, my sister welcomed me with open arms by presenting me with a rainbow necklace. I'm still very hesitant with talking to my mom because she is definitely still hoping it's a phase, but I know that ultimately she'll accept me.
Overall, coming out to others has been a pretty smooth process. Most people I've met have been very accepting, even nonchalant about it, which I feel amazingly grateful about. It's more of a rocky process for me because I am still trying to figure out who I am. However, I know that whether or not I am bisexual or gay (or somewhere within that realm), I know things will be good. I have a wonderful support among family, friends, and my neighborhood community, and even more, I have a great acceptance for who I am as an individual. Regardless of whether or not I am interested to people of the same gender, I still love to play the piano, I still love to have those three wonderful minutes of an Argentine tango dance, and I still will never be able to eat a cucumber slice. I'm still me.
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